A Way Of Coping
by UltimateOptimist
Summary: Set in season 2. Nate's struggling to deal with everything that is going on his life. He finds a way to help...something that Blair and Co know just too much about WARNING: Contains eating disorder
1. Chapter 1

**Hi, This is my first piece of fic in a while, and my first ever Gossip Girl one! I was watching series 2 again and I had a little brainwave. It's set just after the Yale episode but before Dan finds out that Nate's house has been seized. Here it is.....**

**DISCLAMIER: Don't own anything...Shame I'd love to own Chace Crawford *Sigh* **

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Nate slams the door of the cubicle shut. He hates this. He hates doing what he's about to do, he hates the fact he's pretty much alone right now, he hates that things have gone from bad to worse so fast.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, resting his head against the cubicle wall, all he wants is a moment's peace, where he can forget everything that's going on. He tried to drink the pain away, he tried getting high, he tried running until he couldn't run anymore…nothing worked, until now.

He sticks his fingers to the back of his throat, and after a few agonizingly long minutes the meal he'd just forced down comes back up. His stomach heaving painfully, as he vomits.

He didn't know how it had come to this. When had his life became so messed up that the only thing he could control was food? For Nate doing this wasn't about staying slim or how he looked, it was the thing he could control, the thing that he made decisions about. All his life he hated the fact that his parents had mapped out his life, he would be going to Dartmouth, he would get married to Blair……….

But then things changed. His dad's now on the run from the FBI, they took everything from the house and his mother fled to Europe. Maybe now he would have more control on college but that's not the way he wanted it to be. He missed his farther, he wasn't perfect but he was his dad. These things were happening so fast, and he still had no control over anything.

Nate was sick again, he could feel sweat running down the side of his face. The first time he did this was after the house was raided and possessions were seized, his mother was distraught and there was nothing he could about it. He was so angry, he tried going for a run around central park to clear his head but it hadn't helped. He ran until his legs were like jelly and he had to walk back home. He came home to find it as empty as it was before, his mother had left a note to say she had gone to Europe…..he was all alone. He shut himself in the bathroom, and tried to regain some control, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Only now it was like an addiction, it was his release, his way of trying to cope with what was going on. The way of dealing with the dislike of himself…of his life.

He couldn't talk about it to anyone…he couldn't tell Dan, they had only been friends for 5 minutes. Since the Yale trip, and what would he say? The whole thing was embarrassing, he was now squatting in his own house.

Then there was Chuck, who he'd been friends with since they were in 5. Only now their relationship was strained. He didn't even know about Catherine, the fact that he was forced to stay in a relationship with the woman just so he could protect his dad.

That lead onto the other problem…Vanessa. He liked her, he really did, but was it love? Or was he just sick of being alone, sick of having to be the "Golden boy" of the Upper East Side. Vanessa was different, unique, not one of the girls who followed him around like a lost puppy or a teen idol….Is that what he loved? The normality of everything? Or was it Vanessa?

He couldn't talk to Serena…or Blair he couldn't deal with their pity. Did it matter? No one could take away the loneliness that made his chest hurt. They can't erase the problems he had with his family, no….he didn't want anyone to know about the issues in his life.

Nate burped queasily, but his stomach finally empty. He was back to being empty….and alone. The quick fix was over. Slowly he picked himself up of the floor, his stomach cramping painfully, and made his way over to the sink, splashing cold water on his face.

Before he reached the door, he took a breath and slipped the mask on he'd been wearing for weeks………..

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**What do you think? I have a way of making it a few chapters, but i'm not sure if it's any good? Please R and R to let me know what you think/if i should continue this?**


	2. Chapter 2

**My muse wasn't done with this! Sorry it's taken so long but i've had my Alevels to complete! Hope you enjoy, thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter one. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl**

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Blair watches Nate leave the table with a tight smile and can't seem to shake off the nagging feeling in he stomach that something is wrong. She's noticed the change in her ex's behaviour and appearance over the past few weeks; the pale, drawn face, the tense shoulders, the weight loss and just how withdrawn he is. Nate has never been one to discuss his feelings, and Blair can't help but wonder if what she suspects is true…

Nate's exhausted by the time school ends, all he wants to do is sleep so he decides to skip training with the Lacrosse team, sure his coach won't be happy but he couldn't care less right now. Sport used to be his release, a way of coping with all the issues in his life, only now it was just another issue - another stress in his life that he just couldn't deal with anymore.

"Nate?" Blair shouts after him as he walks out o the school gates, causing him to slow down and turn to face her, fighting the dizziness the action caused.

"Why aren't you at practice?" Blair asks, tones of suspicion and concern present in her voice.

"Just didn't feel like it" he shrugs trying to act causal, even though internally he's kicking himself for not having an excuse prepared.

"Nate I….." Blair begins.

"I have to go, I'm sorry" Nate tells her as he can't bare the pity in her voice or in her eyes. He has to get out of here, now, so he turns to leave.

To Blair this is another red flag as Nate never interrupts people, unless he's unusually angry, like the time he found out that Blair had slept with Chuck.

"Nate!" She shouts after him. Nate stops and turns back to face her. He can hear the slight pleading tones in her words, and knows immediately how worried she is - Blair never pleads.

"What Blair?" He asks, his tone defeated.

Right then the masks he's been wearing or weeks or was it months? Nate can't even remember anymore, slips and Blair can see the pain, fatigue and exhaustion in her former lover's face. It scares the hell out of her. Nate is, and always has been, Mr Dependable, a rock to all the members of the non-judging breakfast club, and right now he's crumbling in front of their eyes.

"Are you ok? You don't…..you don't seem like yourself" Blair asks gently, reaching out to touch his shoulder.

Nate hesitates for a moment, seconds away from telling her exactly how he feels. How he's broke; his mother and farther are both M.I.A; the replusion he feels at the arrangement with Catherine and how he's basically selling himself. Then there's everything with Vanessa. But then the urge disappears, because admitting it makes it reality and truthfully he is ashamed of the guy he has become.

"I'm just tired" he insits, shrugging off her hand.

He and Blair were together or a long time, long enough or her to know when Nate's lying - and she knows he is. She also knows to push the issue now is counter-productive.

"Ok, well I you ever need to talk" She offers.

"Thanks Blair" Nate smiles slightly and or the first time in a long time it's genuine.

Blair watches him walk away and knows what she suspects is right. Nate has an eating disorder…..

In the shadows of the courtyard Chuck watches the exchange between the girl he loves and and his best friend. Just because his relationship with the pair has been somewhat strained lately doesn't mean he stopped caring about them. He's noticed how thin his estranged friend is becoming and the stress that radiates from him. Guilt settles in his stomach as he remembers Nate approaching him about a loan. Was it really sorted? He had to find out…...

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**What do you think? **


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